| Everybody Have Their Own Love Story |

I've always been forgetting to update this blog since move to Bangi. Bukan malas, tapi tak cukup masa dan komitmen. Ok, lame excuse. Pemalas cakap je la. Alasan bertingkek-tingkek. But recently, gua dah dilantik secara tidak rasmi menjadi tutor cinta peribadi oleh member gua sendiri. Ini personal achievement yang menarik barangkali. Bukan nak menjaja cerita cinta rakan karib sendiri. Tidak. Gua pun sudah memaklumkan kepada beliau, gua hanya mahu melihat mekanisme percintaan itu, mahu menyaksikan bagaimana kitaran metamorfosis cinta berlaku. Adakah harmoni atau sebaliknya. (Wei deddy, ini bukan kitar hidup belalang la)

Dan tidak, ini bukan satu eksperimen atau ujikaji. Gua hanya mahu menjadi penasihat dan pendengar yang baik. Ini sahaja yang mampu gua tawarkan kepada beliau. Gua tahu, perjalanan cinta setiap orang tidak sama. Tak semua orang dapat apa yang mereka mahukan, gua berpesan kepada beliau. Do not over-expecting on  uncertain things especially when it comes to heart matter, specifically pada mereka yang baru jatuh cinta. Tak kisah la jatuh cinta yang keberapa kali pun. Do not compare jalan cerita cinta kau dengan orang lain. Ada orang berjaya pada percubaan pertama, ada yang berjaya pada percubaan kedua. Namun, ada juga yang tak berjaya walaupun dah 18 kali jatuh cinta. Ini bukan jenaka. 

Gua sudah menganalisa situasi beliau. It's a love story (ok, consider cerita cinta la ye) that could defying the logic. Quite difficult situation yet impossible. I want u to win her heart. I know u'll come back strong not because you've a good tutor ( ini angkat bakul sendiri), but because of your strong will and enthusiasm. Someone at Penang have been taken. Followed by someone at Bangi. And i want to see another legendary love story as we are. Another mesmerizing fairy tale that we will cherish every time we pause our step and stare on it. I wish you a very good luck, knight!

p/s : 11 days to go..=)

Tuck You Away and Keep You Around

I want to tuck u into the folds of my notes and scraps of paper and keep u alive with my ink.
I want to slip u into paint and splays u on canvas under the cover of disguise only I will know.
Then I'll start thinking of new ways to tuck you away and keep you around, plot out of the next words and notes that you'll become, the next shape you will take.

 Sometimes I just think about your name. It comes to mind in a sing-songy tune.
You linger. I don't mind anymore. You've become part of me.
I want to keep you around forever. 

| Kehidupan dan Masa |

Sudah masuk bulan terakhir dalam suku pertama 2013 dan untuk tahun ni gua masih lagi malas mengupdate blog. Kesuraman dalam kerjaya mungkin. Kepatahan hati juga mungkin. Atau mungkin juga kerna gua terlalu memberikan komitmen dalam hobi terbaru gua yakni bermain DOTA. Laungan retorik "i'm wrote well when i'm slightly demotivated" yang selalu gua canangkan dah boleh campak ke laut jugak kot. But please, even genius make mistakes one or twice. (and even thrice : ini kucing gemuk gua je yang paham)

Gua bukannya tak nak mengutarakan isu pencerobohan Lahad Datu yang sedang hangat sekarang. Namun lebih sekadar memberi peluang kepada mereka-mereka yang lebih arif untuk memberi kita informasi terkini dan sahih. Gua hanya mampu berdoa dan berharap semoga isu ini pantas selesai. Sebab setakat ni, paling kuat gua pegang senapang pun dalam Battlefield 3. Tak pun dalam Counter Strike. Blackshot gua tak try lagi. Malas ah. Sebab malam-malam sekarang gua sibuk. Sibuk nak manjakan kucing gemuk gua. Biar dia makin gemuk. Senang sikit gua nak tumbuk perut dia. 

Walaubagaimana malas sekali pun, gua tetap nak mengupdate blog gua petang ni. Al-maklumlah kerja-kerja kat office sekarang dah makin berkurangan bahana isu perpindahan. Bagi mereka yang belum sedia maklum, gua dijadualkan dan diminta oleh pucuk pimpinan atasan untuk meletak jawatan gua secara paksa rela di tempat kerja sekarang atas alasan penutupan stesen penyelidikan. Eleh, nak mengelat bayar VSS (Voluntary Separation Scheme) pada gua la tue. Dan ini sebenarnya mengundang spekulasi. Malahan rakan-rakan media gua pun sering bertanya. Apa jadi lepas ko berenti? Nak kerja mana? Nak duduk mana? Balik kampung jadi petani ke? Jadi ke tak kawen dengan aku? (ok. ini soalan gua reka sendiri) 

Untuk tidak mahu mengundang lebih banyak spekulasi, di sini gua akan menjelaskan bahawasanya Biotropics Malaysia Berhad akan menawarkan satu kontrak disertai dengan memorandum persefahaman (MoU) kepada syarikat gua (ini gua tak reka sendiri) untuk menjaga segala khazanah dan harta peninggalan mereka yang akan berpusat di Jabatan Pertanian Serdang selama setahun berkuatkuasa mulai 1 April 2013. (MoU tak keluar lagi. Kalau diorang buat April Fool, gua panggil geng-geng militan Sulu menceroboh ibu pejabat tempat kerja gua kat Glenmarie sat g). Kiranya kerja gua akan secure untuk tempoh satu tahun lagi. Next year la baru cari kerja tempat lain. Balik Johor tanam pokok palma ke. Bela ikan piranha ke. 

Mungkin gua akan menginap di Bangi bersama kekasih-kekasih hati gua (ya, ini plural. bukan singular) mulai bulan hadapan. Kalau ternampak gua tengok wayang kat Mines ke. Beli external hard disc kat Lowyatt ke. Beli buku kat MPH Alamanda ke. Tegur-tegur la gua. Mana tahu gua boleh mintak belanja roti bom kat mamak Maulana. Cuma di sini gua ingin menyatakan bahawa housemate gua nanti bakal berkahwin pada bulan Oktober dan gua harus disesarkan daripada rumah tersebut. So, at the end of August or early September gua kene cari kediaman baru. Kalau korang ada bilik kosong kat banglo korang ke. Kondo korang ke. Rumah teres korang ke. Sila roger gua kalau korang tak nak tengok member korang yang comot ni tido kat bawah flyover/jambatan mana-mana. Atau berkhemah di pinggir Tasik Cempaka. Sekian, terima kasih. 

#and owh, tajuk blog ni gua tukar lagi. Bukan "Di Batas Masa", sebab dulu blog gua kene hijack pastu suka-suki dia je tukar nama blog gua jadi camtu. It's called "The Life and Times" sempena buku Einstein yang gua baru beli dengan harga 85 sen. Mungkin gua tukar lagi kalau rasa macam tak sedap. haha. 

You Have To Take Control Of Your Life

You are a powerful person. No one ever knows what they’re capable of until something happens that forces them to rise to the occasion. And then a natural high starts to wash over their body and they realize that they haven’t been living up to their full potential. They can achieve so much more if they just tap into their inner strength.

It’s easy to go through this life letting bad things happen to us. It’s easy to lie in bed all day, feeling vaguely depressed, picking at the wounds. (You never stop picking scabs. This habit always stays with you.) We’re letting someone come in and twist us violently around their finger. Then we act surprised after the closeness fades and the body turns cold. We get upset. We feel empty. We let someone in to fill us up, only to deplete us later. Who? When? How?

There are so many things in this life that we cannot control. Cancer, assault, someone waking up one day and deciding they don’t love us anymore. We go outside every day knowing that we’re leaving a portion of it up to the fates. “Be kind to me, sweetie!” you say to the sky as you’re leaving your apartment. We complain when our lives become unexpectedly difficult, when curve-balls are thrown and we have to act immediately. What about that? What about avoiding the things we know will hurt us? What about letting ourselves have the nice life we deserve instead of one full of self-inflicted anxiety and pain?

It may seem like a lot of this stuff is not in your control, that you don’t have the power to change it, but you’re often wrong. You do. It would just involve a little bit more work and responsibility, which a lot of people just aren’t ready for. They say they want to change, they say they want to make things better but the reality is that the bad things still feel good to them. They don’t want to stop the bad habits. A lot of their identity is invested in them and they don’t know who they’d be without it.

This is fine, by the way. Shirking responsibility is something everybody does and if you’re not ready to be accountable, you can’t be forced into it. Just know this though: you do have the ability to change the way your life looks. You are strong. You aren’t helpless. The things you’re able to really do with your life would shock you. You just have to access it. You have to bite the bullet and take control of your life.

i'm over it but

maybe it’s been too long. maybe i’ve crossed the border between giving honours to what i’ve had into being pathetically stuck in the past. and i’m sorry if the amount of time i’ve devoted to thinking about what me and her had together has become, in their mind, egregious. i’m sorry if they think that i should be doing other things, enjoying my 20’s, counting my blessings, and seeing other people.

yes, i’ve dwelling in my sadness, because sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. even if you’re young. even if there are plenty of other fish in this proverbial sea. i’m living in my sadness not because i’m some 20-ish-years-old (nearly 30's i guess) who wants a reason to feel like the world has wronged me; i’m simply unable to view the world through a spectrum other than i love her, and at a certain point she stopped loving me, maybe. It’s like the car suddenly stopped and i was not wearing my seatbelt, i’m still flying through the air, waiting for the full impact. family arrangement marriage is cruel, indeed.

and i know that you think this makes me weak. you lose a little more respect for me. but you are mistaken if you think that my sadness is in any way an attempt to win her back. i know that she is gone, in a way water is; when it has slipped through between your fingers. i know that she has moved on, and the part of my brain which registers things logically has fully accepted that.

yes, she’s marrying the other guy. yes, that cut through me slowly like a dull knife. i know that in this situation, the maturity of being able to say, “all good things come to an end, and if she has met someone new, it is because they are a better fit for what she needs at this time in her life”. i truly apologize if my ability to handle anything other than being childish all these years long.

the truth is that i’m over it. i’m currently walking through a tunnel whose end i can see; even those walls feel as cold as they are strangely comforting. during my torrid time, at least i know what can be expected. i do wake up with absurdly inflated hopes of finding the love of my life or achieving great things. simply making it through a full day without collapsing in a bedroom. i’m happy to live with for now. and i truly apologize (again) if my friends think that i should be doing better, but i’m not going to pretend that everything is wonderful. i’m sad maybe, i’m broken, too but i’m over it, really over it but the problem is, the impact from flying through the air is not recovered yet. not fully recovered though. but i do believe that time will heal..

#Happy Belated New Year 2013 and Happy 29th Birthday too (sigh)