i'm over it but

maybe it’s been too long. maybe i’ve crossed the border between giving honours to what i’ve had into being pathetically stuck in the past. and i’m sorry if the amount of time i’ve devoted to thinking about what me and her had together has become, in their mind, egregious. i’m sorry if they think that i should be doing other things, enjoying my 20’s, counting my blessings, and seeing other people.

yes, i’ve dwelling in my sadness, because sometimes things end and it’s horrible and there is nothing that can be said which makes it suddenly less painful. even if you’re young. even if there are plenty of other fish in this proverbial sea. i’m living in my sadness not because i’m some 20-ish-years-old (nearly 30's i guess) who wants a reason to feel like the world has wronged me; i’m simply unable to view the world through a spectrum other than i love her, and at a certain point she stopped loving me, maybe. It’s like the car suddenly stopped and i was not wearing my seatbelt, i’m still flying through the air, waiting for the full impact. family arrangement marriage is cruel, indeed.

and i know that you think this makes me weak. you lose a little more respect for me. but you are mistaken if you think that my sadness is in any way an attempt to win her back. i know that she is gone, in a way water is; when it has slipped through between your fingers. i know that she has moved on, and the part of my brain which registers things logically has fully accepted that.

yes, she’s marrying the other guy. yes, that cut through me slowly like a dull knife. i know that in this situation, the maturity of being able to say, “all good things come to an end, and if she has met someone new, it is because they are a better fit for what she needs at this time in her life”. i truly apologize if my ability to handle anything other than being childish all these years long.

the truth is that i’m over it. i’m currently walking through a tunnel whose end i can see; even those walls feel as cold as they are strangely comforting. during my torrid time, at least i know what can be expected. i do wake up with absurdly inflated hopes of finding the love of my life or achieving great things. simply making it through a full day without collapsing in a bedroom. i’m happy to live with for now. and i truly apologize (again) if my friends think that i should be doing better, but i’m not going to pretend that everything is wonderful. i’m sad maybe, i’m broken, too but i’m over it, really over it but the problem is, the impact from flying through the air is not recovered yet. not fully recovered though. but i do believe that time will heal..

#Happy Belated New Year 2013 and Happy 29th Birthday too (sigh)